patris

media screenplay

INT. INSIDE A CATHOLIC CHURCH – DAY

Nathan Hudsen, a seventeen year old boy, was walking through the aisles of the Saint Monica Church. Distressed and confused, Nathan walks into a confessional booth to have a heart-to-heart with Father McKenna.

Meanwhile, Mr. McKullen, Father McKenna’s cousin and trusted custodian, was dusting and mopping the other side of Nathan’s confessional.

NATHAN

Father McKenna?

Nathan, being nervous and embarrassed about confessing to the priest, spoke very quickly and incomprehensibly. Mr. McKullen jumped, surprised that someone called his name.

MR. MCKULLEN

Umm…yes?

NATHAN

It’s been about six months since my last confession.

MR. MCKULLEN

Well good for you, kid. If you don’t mind, I’ll be…

NATHAN

I need to confess some shameful things I’ve done.

MR. MCKULLEN

Oh, you’re talking to the wrong…

NATHAN

It’s about Suzy McKullen, Father.

Mr. McKullen leaned in to the screen of the confessional, eager to hear what Nathan had to say about his daughter, Suzy. Mr. McKullen made his best impression of his cousin.

MR. MCKULLEN

Yes, I’m listening, dear son.

NATHAN

Well, Father, Suzy and I went out for around five months or so, and she’s the perfect girl. She’s so smart and beautiful, and she’s funny too! But, I don’t know how things are going right now.

MR. MCKULLEN

That’s fine; she doesn’t need a boyfriend at this age, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell my wife.

NATHAN

Are you allowed to be married?

MR. MCKULLEN

What? Oh, I mean, her mother. Just don’t see my dau…,I mean Suzy again, and God will forgive you.

NATHAN

Father McKenna, I’m not finished with my confession.

MR. MCKULLEN

God’s a quick forgiver! Now I’m sure Suzy’s not perfect for you, so you can just leave now.

NATHAN

She does have one problem; she won’t get past second base.

MR. MCKULLEN

No, she’s a great baseball player! She’s made so many home-runs!

Nathan laughed and leaned away from the screen.

NATHAN

(under his breath)

Not in my field.

Nathan comes back to the screen.

NATHAN (CONT’D)

Look, she’s a great girl. But, sometimes she can’t give a man what he needs.

MR. MCKULLEN

I understand her batting average isn’t what it used to be…

NATHAN

Father, I’m talking about sex.

Mr. McKullen fell back from his chair by the shock that his little girl might not be a virgin anymore.

NATHAN (CONT’D)

Are you alright? I thought I heard something.

MR. MCKULLEN

No, no, I’m fine. I just had a mild stroke, I’m okay. But you, kid, are not! At your age, you should still think she has cooties.

NATHAN

I’m way past that age, Father. But Suzy seems to be thinking along those lines.

MR. MCKULLEN

Thank the Lord!

NATHAN

It’s probably a good thing for her parents. I’m sure they’d be shocked to hear if their little girl wasn’t a virgin anymore.

MR. MCKULLEN

Son, you have no idea.

Mr. McKullen slowly climbed up to his chair.

NATHAN

Well, I have to confess that I cheated on her.

MR. MCKULLEN

I’m sorry, what?

NATHAN

I cheated on Suzy, Father.

Mr. McKullen fell of his chair again.

MR. MCKULLEN

WHAT?! Now see here, bub. That is no way to treat my daughter!

NATHAN

Daughter? Father, I thought you were celibate.

MR. MCKULLEN

I mean, religiously speaking.

NATHAN

(nervously)

Umm, right. Well I’ll take my penance now.

MR. MCKULLEN

Oh no, you’re not leaving yet.

Mr. McKullen sat up on his chair again.

NATHAN

(more panicked)

I thought you said God’s a quick forgiver.

MR. MCKULLEN

Well not through me!

NATHAN

I didn’t mean to kiss that other girl! Well, I did, it’s just Suzy…

MR. MCKULLEN

(interrupting Nathan)

Isn’t right for you, if you want to go gallivanting with other girls!

NATHAN

But, she’s the girl for me!

MR. MCKULLEN

Then you don’t cheat on your girl, Brian.

NATHAN

(confused)

Brian? Who are you talking to?

MR. MCKULLEN

You, you’re Suzy’s boyfriend, Brian.

NATHAN

(angrily under his breath)

Oh. Him. That scumbag.

MR. MCKULLEN

Wait, you’re not Suzy’s boyfriend?

NATHAN

(cries out)

I wish I still was!

MR. MCKULLEN

Nathan?!

NATHAN

Hey, how’d you know, Father McKenna? Is this screen see-through?

MR. MCKULLEN

Nathan, you two broke up ages ago. You’re not cheating on Suzy.

NATHAN

But, I love her! And that random girl was nothing to me.

MR. MCKULLEN

Well maybe that girl can give you what you need, a healthy relationship. Move on, Nathan.

NATHAN

Does moving on include Britney, Jen, Katie, and Monica?

MR. MCKULLEN

Son, you’re not my problem anymore. I suggest you see a priest.